Now I KNOW that the holiday season is here. The inevitable drama that surrounds family dinners has started. It almost wouldn't seem like Christmas without the usual manipulation and testing of love.Every year I dread it and every year I vow to just go along with the flow, and every year we end up in tears. Personally I'm sick of it. I long to be a bird...if it wasn't for that nasty predator issue I would say It's a damn fine life.
Just yesterday I spotted either a juvenile Bald eagle or a VERY large Hawk hunting behind our place. The sparrows scattered and I tried desperately to grab my camera in time, but alas I missed him. He was gorgeous...at least the underside was...that was all I could see.
He hovered in mid air for what seemed like a solid minute...he'd spotted his prey...most likely some small bush bunny. In the blink of an eye it was over...and the sparrows quickly returned resumed their feasting. It made me envy them...such a simplistic, basic life.
They don't test each others love, they don't manipulate each other and lie just to catch the title of "the good child"...which by the way I find sadly disgusting. Imagine living your life to please an abuser...you take the verbal fist to the gut and run back asking for seconds. Not me. Never again.
When I entered into this family I tried...I tried so hard I was on the fast track to an ulcer. Then last year, loss made me realize that I would never succeed as along as I kept chasing after that carrot they dangled in front of all of us.
I made a change...to live life openly and honestly...to live life game free. To truly LIVE. I couldn't stand to be around people who were fake. I just can't play the games anymore...i don't think I should have to...and I guess that's selfish on my part.
I guess my new challenge in life is to figure out how to get rid of this anger that's popped up again. I feel like the last years worth of progress just got flushed down the toilet. Why are they still on this planet and he's not?
Thoughts like that are a recipe for disaster and I know it. I thought that I had moved past all of this, but one simple slight hauled up all the baggage that i really thought I had tossed overboard.
I guess that's really one of life little secrets, nothing ever really goes away. You think you've moved on and then there's that big huge punch in the gut that reminds you it'll always be there.
Life's cyclical irony rears it's ugly head yet again. Oh to be a bird.
No comments:
Post a Comment